Surrounded by ten empty chairs, five minutes before the start of a new term of the men’s group I’ve been running for the past fifteen years, my thoughts drift back to the first group I attended as a participant some twenty-five years ago.

I see the self-conscious, anxious thirty-something I was then, caught in the midst of a crisis, desperately searching for something to hold onto as I slipped inexorably into an abyss largely of my own making.

The experience of being in that group, feeling heard, valued, and having my shame-laden struggles understood and taken seriously, motivated me to eventually start one of my own. And so another group begins. Another circle of men speaking their truth. 

Feelings of anxiety and discomfort are voiced as new participants introduce themselves and others listen attentively. Next to me sits a man who reminds me of my younger self; tense, afraid, speaking into the floor as he shares the shame he carries about his recent behaviour in a relationship.

“I see you looking down as you share with us,” I say. “Could you try looking up? Meet the eyes of the other men in the group, just for a moment?”

He glances around, furtively. I invite him to try again, and this time, for a little longer.

“How does it feel to do that? What do you see?”

“It feels very scary and… weird. I remember my brothers, and being picked on at school. I always expect to be judged. But now I see them listening. They look… interested. I’m surprised.”

The conversation opens up to the wider group and alights on the theme of how our assumptions about others, formed from painful past narratives, shape our initial interactions.

In this moment, something new has emerged for this participant. An old story that men will be hostile has been reality-checked, leaving space for a new possibility.

The OPENING THE MALE group is currently full until the next intake in September 2025.